


Of Monsters and Men

by Ghidorahs_child



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Codependency, Crimes Against Peace, Dubious Morality, Episode 67 of the anime, Eren Yeager is His Own Warning, Established Relationship, Hurt/a little comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Mentions of Violence Related to War, Mild emotional manipulation, Or More Like None at All, Spoilers up to ch. 105 of the manga, Typical Eren Stuff, War Crimes, unhealthy attachment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-18 11:13:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29117310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ghidorahs_child/pseuds/Ghidorahs_child
Summary: In the aftermath of the Liberio raid Levi has to face the reality of what Eren truly is.
Relationships: Levi/Eren Yeager
Comments: 29
Kudos: 142





	Of Monsters and Men

**Author's Note:**

> Rated M just because they discuss … ya know … mass murder and war stuff - and they both have VERY dubious morals and views about the whole thing - but it’s nothing graphic really, I just wanted to be extra cautious just in case.  
> You can listen to [Welcome to Paradise by Grandson](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gloxLonpCAc&ab_channel=grandson) while or after reading this if you want, it somewhat inspired me and I was tempted to use it as a title. Also, it’s a great song, yall welcome.  
> Enjoy my dudes.

Eren’s head hung low as he dragged his feet until he reached the door to Levi’s room.

He was _tired._ The fight against the Warhammer, the Jaw and the Armoured titan had physically drained him, but the travel back had been much worse. Sasha died because of him. Everyone had shouted at him – asked him if he realised what he had done, if he even cared at all – and told him they no longer trusted him. Then they had stopped talking and just stared at him as if there was someone – no, not someone, but rather something – else there in his place. Something unpleasant.

He couldn’t blame them.

They didn’t know they were the only reason he had done all those unforgivable things – he wanted them to live long, happy lives more than anything – but Sasha was gone, which meant he had already failed.

He couldn’t stop now.

Yet he felt empty, numb. He had lost a friend and he felt numb. That numbness had spread through him and he felt like all his emotions had been sucked out of him. He didn’t even feel like himself anymore, he wished nothing more than for that numbness to disappear – to stop feeling like a stranger in his own body. He just wanted it to _stop_.

Eren knocked on the door.

“Who’s there?” came Levi’s muffled voice from the other side, he sounded tired even though the thick wooden door.

“It’s me Captain.” Eren answered in a monotone.

There was a long pause and for a moment Eren genuinely thought Levi would just ignore him, “Come in.” he said eventually, and the brunette entered the room, closing the door behind himself.

“Jaeger.”

“I’m Jaeger now? Not Eren? Or brat?” Eren’s voice sounded strange to his own ears. He didn’t know why he said those things – so pathetic – he hadn’t realised till then how truly desperate he was for even the smallest scrap of familiarity, of acceptance. He knew he had to forsake those things if he wanted to reach his goal, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t still long for them.

“No.” Levi’s voice was firm.

Something inside Eren broke at that. It wasn’t sudden, nor it was harsh, nor painful. He felt like an old cup with too many cracks finally – _finally_ – shattering. He had been coming apart at the seams for a long time. It felt liberating in a melancholic sort of way.

Still.

“No?”

“No. Not anymore. You probably never were.” Levi smiled bitterly and Eren felt a spark of anger in his chest.

Suddenly he felt a little more like himself.

“I expected more of you, Captain.” Eren said in a whisper but Levi caught the mocking note his subdued tone held.

“Excuse me?”

“I said I expected more of you. You were the one who said one should not regret his choices.”

“You didn’t give me much of a choice, Eren.” Levi said, his voice deadly serious.

“Stop lying to yourself, Levi. Denial doesn’t look good on you.” Eren spat, the previous numbness leaving place for shimmering rage.

“What the fuck are you talking about.” Levi stood up; fists clenched at his side, barely restraining from the urge to hit Eren again. For his insubordination. His arrogance. How dare he.

Levi was so _angry_.

“You always knew Sir. You were the only one who _truly_ knew. Armin had seen it too sometimes and when he did, he was immediately on edge – he looked at me a certain way, like he was staring at my very soul and I knew he _saw._ And he was scared – _God_ do you even know what it feels like to have your best friend being afraid of you?” Eren pressed the palms of his hands to his eyes and took a calming breath “I tried to hide it and it worked most of the times. He seemed to forget about it. Until the next time he caught a glimpse of it – that is – but you,” Eren stopped again and Levi noticed only then that his eyes were watery, he fought the urge to reach for him – comfort him.

“I what, Eren?”

“You always _knew_. You always knew I was a monster. You knew and you’ve never been afraid. You knew and never looked at me differently. So why are you looking at me like that now?! Why Levi?” Eren’s voice almost broke but Levi stood there frozen on the spot. Eren’s words hung heavy in the air around them and Levi didn’t know what to do.

Eren was fixing him with an accusing stare but Levi could see the plea underneath the anger.

“What do you want me to say? It’s true.” Levi’s voice was almost resigned, “It has always been so blatant to my eyes I wondered how could anyone _not_ see what you truly were. Then we grew closer and suddenly I wished I could be blind like everyone else.” Levi pinched the bridge of his nose and pretended not to see the shiny streaks of tears running down Eren’s face, not unlike the marks left by his titan “I’ve been lying to myself for years Eren – God you made it so easy to overlook with your fuckin’ face and your annoyingly boisterous personality and your stupidly green eyes – I fell for it like some teenage girl and I pretended I would’ve been able to put an end to it when the time came, when you finally showed everyone what a fuckin' monster you truly are.”

Levi drew a shaky breath and started pacing around the room, Eren’s silence was becoming more and more unsettling for him. 

“I thought I would hate you. When you finally decided to show your teeth, I thought I would snap out of it, that I’d be shocked – horrified – but the truth is that I felt nothing and _that_ is terrifying. I look at you and see the same person I’ve always seen. Monster or not.”

There was a long pause, the silence stretching out between them like it was a physical distance separating them more and more every second.

Eren broke it. “Do you regret it?” He whispered the question, almost hoping Levi wouldn’t hear it. He wasn’t even sure what he meant with ‘it’, his choice to make Eren his responsibility? His choice to let Eren get close, _too_ close? Not killing him before the monster came out to play and killed hundreds of innocent civilians?

“No.” Levi answer was firm, “I think a part of me _wants_ to feel regret. But no, I don’t regret it.”

Immense relief washed over Eren like soothing balm over a fresh burn. He let out a trembling sigh, his cold exterior finally cracking.

“Levi-”

“No, you shut the fuck up now brat.”

“I’m ‘brat’ again?” Eren asked with a shaking voice but he wore a tentative smile on his face and his eyes were no longer dull.

“Yes, you always were dipshit.” Levi felt his own lips pull into a tiny smile. He had missed Eren. _His_ Eren.

This amazing, unique, monstrous and painstakingly human creature who bowed to no one was _his_ and he wanted to hold him in his arms again. Because even if this was a reunion Levi felt an impending sense of despair, like a heavy curtain of anguish settling upon him, bringing with it the dread of a last goodbye. That awful feeling spread through him like poison and suddenly he couldn’t move fast enough – his need to reach Eren became desperate and he closed the distance between them with hurried steps.

Eren wasn’t sure what he was expecting, something between a kiss or a kick in the teeth perhaps – it was neither – Levi grabbed one of his wrists and yanked him none too gently towards the bed. If his Captain wanted to let go of some frustration roughing him up between the sheets Eren surely wouldn’t be the one to stop him.

However, the brunette didn’t find himself pinned face down – ass up on the mattress as he expected, but simply pulled to lie next to Levi, who lied down with his back against the headboard. Eren rested his head on Levi’s chest and curled in on himself, trying to make himself as small as possible.

Levi let out an amused huff, “You got too big for this.” He sounded nostalgic.

Eren made a disgruntled noise and tucked his head beneath Levi’s chin.

“You’re such a brat, _brat_.” Levi scoffed, but turned on his side to hold Eren as best as he could – when they first started sharing a bed, Eren had been considerably smaller and it had been easier for Levi to hold him in his arms.

It wasn’t the only thing that had been easier back then.

As if sensing Levi’s souring mood Eren spoke to distract him, “It’s funny.” He stated simply.

“What’s funny? Choose your next words wisely if you don’t want to sleep on the floor.” Levi’s voice had a dangerous note to it.

“After all the places I’ve seen outside the walls, this is still my favourite place in the world.” He said gesturing vaguely at Levi’s arms around him.

Levi snorted. Then started laughing and Eren joined. “Oh god that was the most disgustingly cheesy thing I’ve ever heard.” He wiped tear from the corner of his eye, “please refrain from uttering shit like that in my presence ever again.”

Eren rolled his eyes, still chuckling “Yessir.” He then hid his face again in the other’s neck and closed his eyes, he wanted to bask in the feeling of being held like this for as long as he could, but he could not stop his mind from wandering, and soon a sudden – nasty – feeling of _undeserving_ lodged itself in his throat - seizing him, choking him - he didn’t even realise he was crying until Levi gently pried his face away from his neck to look at him in the eyes.

“Hey what’s with the tears now?”

“’m sorry Captain, you know I’ve always been somewhat of a cry-baby.” Eren offered him a smile, but Levi saw it didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“Cut the crap Eren, you know I hate it when you lie to me.” They were both sitting up now – facing each other – the light atmosphere of a moment ago completely forgotten. Eren cursed himself.

“You _hate_ it when I lie, but is there something that would make you hate _me_?” Eren flinched at his own words and Levi almost recoiled in horror when he realised what the other was truly asking.

Eren had asked him where he drew the line, how much carnage he could tolerate, how many lives taken were too many. When he will no longer be able to overlook the monster within.  
Levi found himself at a loss of words, horrified with himself as he wondered if there even was a limit to what he could tolerate just to keep Eren; and yet he knew that limit did exist somewhere – probably too far for him to be considered any less a monster than Eren himself – but it existed just as the awareness that Eren would not stop, he will keep moving forward regardless of any limit Levi had.

The fact that Eren cared more about what he thought than the actual consequences of his actions should have horrified Levi even more, but it only made him feel a surge of strongly misplaced pride - which was somewhat the nail that sealed the coffin of his moral compass.

“No. Not for what you will do at least.” Levi paused, weighing his words, “I might resent you for choosing whatever your choice will be, because it will probably force me to stop you. But I don’t think I will ever be able to truly hate you.”

“You could order me to stop.”

There was a long pause, the silence between them was tense as Levi considered Eren's words. 

“As if you’d listen. As if you’d give up whatever insane plan you made up in that thick head of yours.”

“I would.” Eren tone was firm, serious and Levi felt his heart sink as realisation downed upon him: Eren meant it.  
He meant it and Levi felt a sudden wave of _anger_ take over him, he was probably just offered the chance to save the world – all that weight dropped on his shoulders so suddenly that Levi felt like he couldn’t breathe – with that power now in his hands he felt _weak._

Weak because he could not bring himself to choose the world over Eren’s happiness, weak because he could not be the one to chain Eren down, to stop him from going forward and _Eren knew that_.

What a terrible, cruel creature Eren was – a true monster indeed – but Levi had always known that.

Beneath the anger, however, Levi felt pity for the boy in front of him and – _oh god_ – Eren was just a boy and he had been carrying that immense, crushing weight since he was fifteen, how could Levi blame him for wanting to pass it to someone else, even if it was for just a moment?

“Shut up.” Levi said, even if the brunette was already silent. It wasn’t an answer and yet he knew he was conceding to Eren’s will. Whatever he would do in the future, Levi will be responsible for letting it happen.

He thought he could give Eren this, he was humanity’s strongest after all, sharing some of that weight was the least he could do, right? Levi told himself that to soothe his conscience, at least for now. He sighed deeply, wondering if he would be able to live without regrets after this.

The black haired man lied back down, dragging Eren with him, letting him curl around himself – his too long limbs tangling with his own – and held him close to his chest.

Eren opened his mouth to speak but Levi stopped him before he could even start. “I said shut the fuck up. We can speak of all the unpleasant things yet to come tomorrow, let me have this okay?” Levi spoke in a curt voice, leaving no room for argument, but Eren wouldn’t have protested anyway – no reason to waste what little time they had.

They were both physically and mentally exhausted. Levi was emotionally drained, he felt like he could not _feel_ anything anymore and yet, seeing Eren cold demeanour cracking and falling apart in front of him left him with a mixture of emotions he could not sort out. How could such a strongly emotive being like that brat become _so_ cold? When had he stopped smiling while he talked about his dreams? When had that burning desire to see what lied beyond become a threat to all those who stood in front of him? Levi wasn’t sure he truly wanted to know the answer to that.

If that was the price of freedom, maybe it truly wasn’t worth it.

Levi looked down at Eren, who had fallen asleep on his chest, he gently combed a hand through his hair and rested it on his nape. He did not know what tomorrow had in store for them, but for now he decided that this tiny shard of space and time where they could just _be_ was enough.

**Author's Note:**

> I started reading Attack on Titan back in 2013 and this is the first time I write something for this fandom. I don't know why I didn’t do it before or what possessed me to write this now since I read this part in the manga a couple years ago, but it happened and I hope it was okay enough for a first try.  
> Those who read the manga know what I’m referring to when talking about Eren’s future actions, those who don’t read it can have fun guessing what that asshole has in store for yall. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed reading this and that I didn’t make too many mistakes (English isn’t my first language).  
> Anyway, let me know what you think with a comment, any kind of feedback is most welcome!
> 
> If you wanna ask me anything you can find me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/H0LLYANDYEW/) 😊  
> Stay safe!!


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